I will always be there
by Japor Snippet
Summary: After Jane and Maura's catfight in 3 x01 Instead of resigning Maura runs off and Jane follows her.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note - This is my first Rizzoli and Isles fanfiction so be nice, Reviews are gold to me constructive critiscim is a wonderful thing, Completly unbetaed and I hate grammar so yea **

**This fanfiction deals with self harm and somewhat suicidal thoughts**

**Disclairmer: I own nothing - TNT, Janet Tamaro and Tess Gerritsen do and I never plan on getting any money from anything I writ, I just do it for fun but lets get on with the story!**

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Maura wasn't quite sure when this habit had started, maybe it was in high school or maybe it was when she had begun boarding school. She knew she had been doing this for a long time, those brief moments of respite when the blade cut into her skin the blood flowing smoothly out of the cut on her thigh, she hadn't cut herself for a long time, not since she had become friends with Jane. Oh god Jane what would she think if she saw me like this, sobbing curled up in a ball, watching blood flow out of my body, but then I remember that she wouldn't care not anymore not since I had chosen to protect my mob boss of a father. I pushed her away in anger and now I know she could never come back, not since I relapsed back to cutting. Somehow I finally manage to cover my cuts up and crawl into bed as I continue to cry until I finally fall asleep exhausted.

The Next Day I had just walked into my office, I was a bit late coming in today as it had taken me longer than normal to do make up, apparently crying yourself to sleep means it takes 10 times longer to do your makeup in the morning. I feel Jane walk up behind me, for some reason I stiffen up ready to lash my tail at her, It was a natural reflex to push at someone away when you are hurting, "Your back" Jane states hesitantly yet, for some reason the first thing at of my mouth was '"did you ever return my book soothing paint choices for the home?" I haven't turned around yet but I can feel Jane's confusion in the air, but she shoots back ''Yea a long time ago''. I suddenly don't want to be in the conversation but I can't leave it without feeling weak "So your back,'' she tries again, but I still can't answer her ''thats odd cos I can't find it'', I can feel Jane's confusion and slight anger at not being able to get a straight answer from me. There is a long pause before Jane speaks again ' Did you ever return my guns of the world digest?' I let anger slip into my voice ' I always return things I borrow', I straighten up but still don't turn around ''Are you sure?" I hear a rise in Jane's voice indicating that it is meant as an innocent question, I give up on being civil even though fighting with Jane is horrible at least it is keeping her attention on me "Of course I'm sure, I always return things I borrow, may be you lost it, you do lose things". I let out a sigh as I notice my chair, "has Dr Pike been sitting in my chair?" I exclaim, Jane also gives up on being civil and lets out her bitchy side, I hate this side of her especially knowing I brought it on "Could be, why is it broken? Do you want me to find out if he's been sleeping in your bed,?" Sarcasm bites every word, Pike walks in having heard his name "Were you looking for me?" Pike asks, god that man annoys me. I start to reply but Jane beats me to it "What about your food, Dr Pike have you been eating Maura porridge?" I completely give up now "Glad to know you think you are so funny" "well it would be better to be funny than be poindexter the know it all!" Me and Jane insult each other back and forward "well I would rather be poindexter the know it all than the hoi polloi" Its a low blow insulting Jane in greek,"good one Maura" Jane sneers. I feel somewhat triumph that Jane doesn't know what it means, "You don't even know what it means" Pike interrupts again, I had completely forgotten he was there, "It means common, literal translation 'The great unwashed', "Classy hide your insults in Latin".

I can tell I have really annoyed Jane now but I can't help myself, "Its greek" I say condescendingly. If there is one thing Jane hates it when people are condescending to her "Oh the geek who knows greek, Do you know how ridiculous you sound?, You know people laugh at you behind your back," "really well they call you a bitch behind yours" I hear Pike talking but I am so focused on, well, not crying that I don't pay any attention Jane pauses, "Well at least when my Father gets pissed off her doesn't stab someone with an ice pick," That touched a nerve and I nearly burst into tears, I never want to see him again let alone call him my father it's all, I can do to muster a comeback. "At least my father didn't move to Florida to sleep with some floozy he meet at a pizza parlor", "Maura" Jane says warningly but I can't help myself, "Or was it a massage parlor?" "Oh look at you going all trailer trash Snooki", " I watched that show once" I yell back "once, it was for…" I don't get interrupted my the Lieutenant "break it up ladies, whats going on".

I can't help myself and look at Jane before running out of the room, I manage to get to the bathrooms before I sink to the ground and search inside my handbag for the razor blade that I keep in there for when I need to cut at work, this seemed to be a pretty good time, I mean I had ripped down Jane, so why shouldn't I rip my own skin down, I cut a deep cut in my arm deeper than I have ever cut before and I watch the blood pool out of my arm as my right hand subconsciously moved around in the blood, slowly the world goes dark around me and I feel content.


	2. Chapter 2

After Maura ran out on us after we had a massive fight, I was torn from following her or from not, I mean I had just called her a bitch but Maura never showed her emotions. I spare a glance at Cavanaugh and he just says "don't lose her" and I run past Pike and down the hall that I watched Maura go down. I poke my head into the interrogation rooms as I don't know where she went, and then I look in the bones room, next I look in the bathroom and then I see her lying unconsciously on the bathroom floor with blood spilling out of her arm, I run over to her as I rip my top leaving me only in my bra, I wrap my top tightly around Maura's arm, as I asses the rest of her body. Her skirt has ridden up and I see hundreds of cuts adorning her body most old and healed but some still new and raw that must have been done in the last few days, And then I see it her right hand is sitting in a pool of blood half way through writing something out, I see wonky letters, and J N E, I realize quickly that she means 'Sorry Jane' and tears spring to my eyes as I realize that I was the one who caused her to do this who caused her to cut herself and attempt suicide,at that tears start streaming down my face at a rate I have never seen before, even when Frankie had been shot.

I pick Maura up in my arms, she is surprisingly light she mustn't have eaten in days, I hold her close to my body and sprint down the hall towards the morgue keeping my hand on her faint pulse, I reach the Morgue and start yelling, "Ambulance, Please someone call the ambulance," Susie runs out and takes one look at the unconscious Maura and rings 911, I keep hold of my clutch of Maura and my tears don't ease up, not even when Frost and Frankie come down, at one point Susie tried to take her out of my hands but I just pulled her closer and inhaled her sweet scent.

The medics arrive what seem like hours later but it must have only been minutes, only then do I let someone else take Maur but I beg them to let me come with them in the Ambulance and after I showed them my badge they relent and let my on, I don't let go of Maura's hand the entire time. Every time my tears start to stop, I think about the message Maura left for me and start sobbing again.

When we reach the hospital they whisk Maura off to surgery, I sit in the waiting room rubbing my scars and then I stand up and pace for a bit and repeat, Frost, Frankie and Korsak all come in and sit silently in the waiting room.

_** 3 hours later **_

The doctor came in 3 remarkably long hours later and said that it had been touch and go through parts of the surgery to replace her blood and stop her vital organs from shutting down, but she had been ok and would make it through, I breath a sigh of relief, "when can we go see her?" I ask. "Well you can go in now" said the doctor, "however you might want something else to wear", I completely forgot that all I was wearing was Frankie's jacket and my bra, but I don't want to leave Maur any longer, I cast a pleading glance at Frankie and he nods, telling me through his eyes that he will go home and get me a change of clothes and come back later. I am so grateful for Frankie, I turn back to the Doctor and follow him silently through the halls till we reach Maura's private room. He lets me in and when I enter I gasp involuntarily, Maura has a bandage wrapped tightly around her hand, she has a breathing tube and an IV tube in her arm I turn back to the Doctor wondering why there was a tube in her mouth, "She hasn't eaten in at least a week, her organ were shutting down" A week, that means she hasn't eating since the warehouse, but that was such a long time ago I don't know how she lasted since then, I rush over to her right side and bend my head over her hand in a quiet prayer,

I must have stayed that way for hours thinking over everything as the sun starts to rise Frankie came back. I have done a lot of thinking over night but I decided one thing, I change into my change of clothes and when a Nurse came in to check her vitals. I ask her how much longer she was going to be like this, Maura hadn't moved all night and the Nurse said it would be at least 7 hours, Just enough time for me to do what I need to do, I quickly tell Frankie what I needed to do and he promised to stay here till I got back.

_** A few hours later **_

A few hours later I get back to the ward where Frankie is still keeping watch, while I was gone I went and got a tattoo on my wrist, I decided I wanted to do this about part way through the night that I wanted to get a tattoo on my wrist with 莫拉 written on it, 莫拉 is Maura in Chinese and I want her to always be with me even when we are apart. I can completely understand if she pushes me away and never wants to see me again and if she does then she and no one else will know what my tattoo means but I will and it will always mean a lot to me. I thank Frankie and go back to my vigil beside Maura's bed, I hold her limp hand with one of mine and use my other hand to sweep back the curls that have slipped onto her face, My tears come back and I sit silently sobbing running my hand back and forward through her hair while holding onto her uninjured hand, I hear a Doctor come in and check her I stay silent until her says something that suddenly grabs my interest, "we can bring her out of her coma now and she will be awake any time in the next hour" I nod before I realize what that meant, I had less than an hour before Maura wakes and I apologize for everything for not being there when she needed me the most, Oh god what if she wakes up and wants me out of here straight away, my breathing speeds up and tears keep coming until I nearly faint, I don't know how long I am like that but all of a sudden I feel Maura moving and waking up "Maura, Maur, pl-please wake up" "Ja, Jane" I hear a raspy voice say, My head shoot up and I look at her eyes flickering.


	3. Chapter 3

As I start to feel conscious all I could see was black, but I could feel a needle sticking into my arm. I could hear someone saying my name, a familiar voice, but the last one I expected to hear, It sounded like Jane but Jane couldn't be here, wouldn't be here, she hated me, But yet it sounded like here. I open my mouth to say something but I must have been out for a long time as no words could come out just raspy sounds "Ja, Jane". I start to open my eyes, "Sh,sh darling its ok Shhh", I hear Jane's voice calming me down, but why is she here? I try to think back to what happened last… I remember I was yelling at Jane calling her a bitch but then what it slowly starts coming back to me, Cavanaugh breaking up out fight, me running off, and then I ran to one of the bathrooms and cut myself. I must have blacked out, but that doesn't explain why Jane is here clutching my good hand and her other hand on my head smoothing back curls. I slowly try to open my eyes again but Jane stops me with a kiss to my forehead, it feels so good to be back with her like this, not that I know why she is here, but at the moment I try not to worry about that "Jane, I'm Sorry," I manage to whisper stopping my struggle as I lean into her mini hug, slowly opening my eyes "Sorry for what?" Jane whispers back wrapping her arms around me "Sorry that I made you so miserable you resorted to cutting and starving?" She says sarcastically, I grimace "sorry I punished you for doing your job, for calling you a bitch, for pushing you away, for, for choosing Paddy over you" I stutter through the last one as tears fill my eyes and overflow down my cheeks. Jane presses her lips to my tears and rocks me slowly, when she looked up she has even more tears streaming down her face than me, I pull her tighter with my one good arm and we sit like that sobbing in each others embrace, "Jane why are you here?" I ask pulling myself out of her embrace and taking a good look at myself, she looks like she hasn't slept or ate in a long time, she for some reason is hiding her other hand but I don't focus on that for too long "I am here because I have been horrible to you and you don't deserve that, I shot your father to protect a guy I only slept with once, I was rude to you, I called you a bitch and and I caused you to do this" Her head drops and her shoulders start shaking, I know she is sobbing so I bring my good arm over and pull her over the bar and onto my chest, slowly stroking her hair and silently thinking.

I pull her head up carefully tying not to over exert myself as I can already feel myself getting tired again, I lean over to her face and kiss at each of her tear-stained cheeks, I smooth back her unruly dark curls so I can see her face clearly "you were the one who saved me, who stopped me cutting when I first met you and the one who" I stop my self and focus again on Jane's dark eyes "you are the one who gave me friends when I had none, gave me family when I have none and gave me support when everyone else had left me" I grab her hand with my only able hand as I start to feel my eyes shut, "lie with me". I ask and the last thing I remember was Jane putting down the bar and hopping onto the bed with me, laying her chin on my head as I lay my head on her chest and let her heartbeat wash with me to sleep.

'I am being pinned to the chair with Hoyt taunting me with a scalpel and then Doyle appears and walks over to me "don't you ever fuck with my daughter again" he hisses as he punches me in the nose. I hear Hoyt laughing in the background and I try to yell out for Maura, "oh she won't be any help now Detective" says Doyle, and he makes a hand gesture from the shadows I see Maura walk out, dressed all in black. She walks over to me and slaps me and then spits in my face "you never cared for me" she sneers "you just wanted my money" she slaps me again and laughs as she walks over to Doyle and gives him a kiss on the cheek " hello daddy" she turns back and smirks at me as she raises a gun.

I awake to Jane moving around and moaning in her sleep. I immediately recognize it as one of her nightmares and gently shake her awake while whispering to her, "it's ok darling breathe" she wakes up with a gasp and sits up bolt right, I give her a few seconds before I place my right hand on her arm, I feel her jump but then relax under my touch once she realized who I was, I pull her back down to the bed and slowly turn my head to look at Jane. She is shaking all over and sweating, this is one of her worse nightmares so I pull her into a hug before I bring up the nightmare, "do you feel like telling me Jane?" I ask softly, she takes a shaky breath before replying "Hoyt and Doyle". I tense involuntarily at his name but squeeze Janes arm to encourage her to tell me "they were taunting me and then, and then you showed up, you, you were hitting me and laughing and then you raised a gun at me, that's when I, I woke up" she stutters, " I would never do that, I will always love you" I whisper as I pull her in for a hug

Pōkarekare ana

ngā wai o Waiapu,

Whiti atu koe hine

marino ana e.

E hine e

hoki mai ra.

Ka mate ahau

I te aroha e.

Tuhituhi taku reta

tuku atu taku rīngi,

Kia kite tō iwi

raru raru ana e.

Whati whati taku pene

ka pau aku pepa,

Ko taku aroha

mau tonu ana e.

E kore te aroha

e maroke i te rā,

Mākūkū tonu i

aku roimata e.

**AN: Sorry, for that huge long wait, RL was a bitch and I had exams, **

**The song at the end is an old Maori Waiata called Pokarekare ana, watch?v=9GXua6gD4Hc here is the link **

**and here is the english translation **

**They are agitated  
the waters of Waiapu,  
****But when you**** cross over girl  
they will be calm.**

**_Oh girl  
return _****_to me_****_,  
I could die  
of love _****_for you_****_._**

**I have written my letter  
I have sent my ring,  
so that your people can see  
****that I am**** troubled.**

**My pen is shattered,  
I have no more paper  
****But**** my love  
is still steadfast.**

**My**** love will never  
be dried by the sun,  
It will be forever moistened  
by my tears.**


End file.
